solomon and the baby

Spirit, I am feeling so unbelievably lost tonight. How can I be surrounded with so much blessing and feel so lost? What do you want of me? For me? From me? Is this it? I would love to embrace this simple life, committed to my community, this little house with the growing vegetable garden, these particular sidewalks Eli has learned to walk and run on. But then you well up like a geyser I cannot contain, bursting open my chest, knocking out the walls of what I thought was my heart, stretching out my veins with the forceful coursing of light you pour through me and I am beyond myself then - I am your minister. But the moment passes and I go back to doubt and the empty sense that it was all me being a fool and imagining the blind joy and rightness that overtook me when I released my throat to your use.

I wait, a desperate lover wanting you to return. I change the locks, to prove to myself that I have to get on with my "real" life and that you are not coming back, that you are not really calling to me to rise up in your service.

Spirit, what do you want of me? For me? Please show me how I can best serve as a minister of your grace. Whatever form that takes, take me there. All I ask is that you speak loud and clear to me, that I know that I have found where I am closest to you, in that moment.

I believe we are here for a reason. Am I to be your minister is some way that is more explicit than my current way? Why this pouring, cascading, bursting through me as words that fill up ears if not? And if not, can you then stop teasing me with these hints of what it would be to be your minister and leave me in peace? I don't know if you can, but I wish you could. I've felt like I am being torn in half for so long now.